Who are you?

When you want something, it's pretty simple, you just have to ask. Now, don't get me wrong. You will not always get exactly what you want, but (cue the Rolling Stones) you might get what you need.

Oh poo to this! I just want what I want, darnit!

So, I keep asking because I'm getting the same answer... but not the one I want. The one I want is the one where it feels magical and easy, or at least achievable in some capacity. But instead it is all discomfort, heartache, and fear. Honestly, I'm very scared of doing exactly what I want to do because of the following:

• Can I make a living doing it? If I can't, where will I go? Will my parents have to take care of their loser daughter?
• Am I even good enough to do it?
• Is it worth doing? Will it help anyone beyond making me happy?
• Will I be happy if I do this?

Ahhh! The small Andrea inside screams and she knows that she can't answer those questions. No one can. I think the outcome doesn't really matter, but at the same time it does. We can't control the outcome, we just have to be responsible of your actions, which we can translate to "ready and able to respond." Hey! It doesn't sound so scary when you break it down like that. You just have to accept that life will change, and that you must dance with it as it does so.

But change is so harrrrd. <--- Small Andrea again.

I listen... to nature, to people's stories, to books I come across, and to that little hollow place inside where my true voice speaks from. It's time to be real, it whispers. It's time to not hold back or be ashamed of who you are. But I'm laughing at this point because I wave my head around and yell out into the open skies, "But who the fuck am I?"

You see, I've been living for so long, trying to please other people, that I don't even know who I am anymore. All I have are little alarms that go beep beep! when I get off track, but I don't have the signage to guide me and keep me on the rails. I'm figuring out what these signs might look or feel like. They are subtle and usually come from my body, which I've ignored since I can remember.

I think a lot of us can relate to this by the way. How many times are we bombarded with ads for products that help us suppress our feelings? You know, those gut feelings that make you feel like you're floating into your chest cavity, the choking in your throat, the never-able-to-catch-your-breath moments. Often times I down a coffee or inhale a chocolate bar, maybe even sleep in an extra hour, just so I don't have to feel the disconnection. This is because I never recognized the feelings as my internal knowledge. I had no idea it was me.

I'm learning. That gut feeling is usually fear. The choking is when my words aren't truthful or need to be reconciled. The slight of breath is anxiety, emotion, and a lack of boundaries. The next step in my journey is learning to love and enjoy these feelings, appreciating them for the beautiful alerts they are. Without them I really am lost. And the alarms aren't so fun. The alarms take the form of sickness, irritability, depression, and self hatred.

Some ways I listen:

• Meditation and Prayer, because God always listens and speaks in the stillness.
• Yoga, because it introduces breath, movement, and a conversation with the body, mind, and spirit.
• Tarot because I'm a visual person and stories move me, so using images to help me understand my story is extreemely effective (and fun!).
• Tea and tinctures. The earth can heal you in so many ways, and ritual allows you to slow down, listen, and let yourself heal.
• Therapy. A trained and loving guide can make a world of difference.

I admit, I read so much on this subject, and I'm amazed by people who take chances and live their story. I'm a little obsessed, to be honest. But every time I hear of someone climbing a mountain, going on a 5 month hike alone, traveling around and couch surfing, quitting their job to work on a book, I get closer and closer to my truth. I have one body. One lifetime as Annie to do the things that bring me joy. All I have to do is follow the signs and ask.

It's weird, because it doesn't feel like I'm doing it right. And maybe I'm not.

But I'm trying and I think that counts.

Progress

Here is the progress on this banner image. I took an opaque layer and started refining things, using a pastel brush in photoshop and a regular pressure sensitive brush to carve out details. I haven't focused too much on the figure, and I plan to clean her up a lot tomorrow. Her anatomy is sad, so she might be completely redrawn. That's ok! Try, try again.

I used some references for this piece from a video game (not sure which one). So much beautiful artwork in that indistry. Damn.

Process

I've experimented a lot this last year and picked up some ways to work digitally by some very talented artists. I thought I would share a little project I'm workin on with RethinkDB, and give a play by play.

I usually come up with some ideas, knowing that many of them wont work at all, and all of them will have to change. I have this awesome photoshop brush package that has the most amazing textures made by Kyle. Kyle is legit: https://gumroad.com/kyletwebster

I like to use texture and different brushes to experiment with shapes and composition, just like I would with real media. The more variety you have within your tool kit, the more rich and varied your work will look- always a good thing.

Then I do a color study or even start the final illustration. The key here, though, is to stay loose and not go into too much detail. If it's rejected then I don't want to be attached to it or spend too much time on it. "Just have fun," I remind myself.

Color study- using multiply layers and an overlay layer in the sky.  I worked on top of the black and white comp to keep it simple.

I'm still working on the finished illustration. It might go through several iterations, so I'll post more soon. Until then, check out the brush package, get yo'self some new sketch materials if you can, and share your progress on a piece. I'd love to see- I tell you that!

Peace out,

-Annie

Last night I asked a question.

Lately I've been tracking my dreams. I have a whole journal of nocturnal adventures from the past couple years, and most of them are strange. I mean, whose dreams aren't? Regardless, I don't usually share them, but last night I asked a question before closing my eyes, wrote it down on scratch paper, and put it under my pillow. It was an experiment. I added a small nugget of Howlite, too, because... why not? It's said to have properties to help you dream and I'm happy to buy into this. The mind is more powerful and mysterious than we know, and I think beleiving is seeing.

Anyway...

I dreamed two dreams. The first one was just a voice that shut everything else out until my eardrums were squished in and all I could hear was silence, then, "You need a drink of water now." It was a male voice and it was giving me a gentle order. I woke up and shuffled to the bathroom to drink water from the sink. I was a little frightened and very much in a sleepy fog so I didn't want to venture into the darkness of the house. After several slurps, I climbed back into bed.

Then I dreamed again:

My question was about purpose. My purpose.

I mean, looking back on this comic, I was pretty silly to give my keys and wallet away, but in the dream I didn't think twice to not trust anyone. I figured that if they said they were willing to help, that I was ok.

But it really comes down to this: who am I giving my keys to right now?

The symbols in our dreams are rich and personal. I LOVE hearing from others about their dreams- I find symbols fascinating and so telling. What have you dreamed about lately? Let me know. @annieruygt (twitter). Talk soon and sweet dreams!

Annie

Time

I've realized lately, more so than ever, that time is precious. It is now, it is here, and nothing more.

Things are changing around us. It's hard for me right now. But what a gift to see it and, although painful, understand that loving everyone around around me right now is my job. It's my purpose.

Here. Now. Love.