From Fear to Joy.

What is a healthy ego?

When I really think about it, it seems like there's a fine line between an egotistic personality and a confident one. It's a feeble thing that separates them from each other.

If I had to guess, maybe the ego isn't even in the equation. One person has a kind of selfish confidence, and the other has a balance between self confidence and confidence that their choices will help others.

"Your artwork is so powerful that it changed my life," I say to Louise Fithugh and JK Rowling. Because of them, I do what I do. And in order to do it (write and illustrate books) I must believe that my work will do the same for others.

When I was younger, I was humble.

"Awwww, that's nice of you to say. But your artwork is so amazing!" I would say anything to get the attention off me and back onto them.

Now, I say "thanks". Now, I try and feel the feelings of...well a mixture of what my self sabotaging mind says and the joy my heart feels. It's a bittersweet combination, but I'm learning to drink it. Like kombucha.

These stories that come from me do not ask if I want them of not. They appear, elegantly and happily, unless I chain them inside. Not pretty when that happens.

Time to change from humble to confident. From embarassed to thankful. From waiting to making. From fear to joy.

The Recess Bell

Alarm bells tend to go off when I go on runs in the city. But they sound like glorious steeple bells and they surge from my heart. I don’t feel threatened, or nervous, and I don’t turn down another street. They're not those kind of alarm bells at all.

I think true beauty calls to us inside our flesh to ring those bells. Our organs pulse, our breathing quickens or sometimes slows, we smile or laugh when a bell has sounded.

When my alarm bells went off I was in the deep mazes of my mind, head down and puffing up a hill in Bernal Heights, San Francisco. Spontaneous color caught my gaze and I looked up. I saw a painted jungle on the facade of a house, with a magnificent tiger at the bottom that locked eye contact with passers by. Rushing waterfalls and climbing vines wrapped around trees, which housed tropical birds, all magnificently hand-painted. Metal shapes of spiraling ivy and massive butterflies decorated the front gate and edge of the rooftop.

Google Maps

I mean- look at this photo!!

It was not only a beautiful display of artistry, but it was a real, complete vision that had been brought to life. How often do we see an "art home"? Not often, I think. And for whom was it created? You could say it was created by some essentric home owners, or it was a gift to their neighborhood, or it was created for the children. The truth is, it's potent with creativity and touches so many people- it's really for everyone. And it happened because some people still knew how to play pretend.

Did you play pretend as a child? Most likely you did. It’s the most natural thing for humans to do. It is our right and the essence of creation. You imagine something and let it be real. You can build a fort or make a silly hat from paper, or years down the road when you have more resources, you can build your own earth ship or find a voyage and sail around the world for realsies. It's the same stuff.

We hear so often how your own reality consists of your mental state and perspectives. If you choose to look at your job as a place where you hate going, where everyone’s boring, where you suck at what you do, then those will feel and be true. If you choose to look at it as a place you are allowed to go, where everyone is interesting, where you are constantly learning, then that will feel and be true. And that's where things start to change.

Children do this naturally. They can see a mansion in a cardboard box, for goodness sakes.

What if we did the same? We would act different. We would make different choices. We will meet different people.

Something special happens to children when they are actively creating and playing pretend. "An important benefit of early pretend play may be its enhancement of the child’s capacity for cognitive flexibility and, ultimately, creativity (Russ, 2004; Singer & Singer, 2005)." (Scott Barry Kaufman Ph.D.) In several studies, children's vocabulary bloomed, their understanding of different people's perspectives broadened, and their choices were less influences by other social behaviors. There is this healthy seperation of self and individuality that arises. Empathy and creativity.

@annieruygt, instagram

On instagram, I chose to engage in a 100 Day Project, coined so by Ella Luna. I'm playing pretend every day and doodling about it. The project is only in it’s infancy, considering that it started a week ago, but I’ve already seen just how many filters I have to sift through so I can actually play pretend. It’s like that part of me has been shut down, shoved in a drawer, and the buttons are sticky with dust. Cleaning it off is a process. But so is life. And if there’s anything I am willing to subscribe to is that all good things take time and intention.

What will happen? Can I, as an adult, experience the same benefits as a child? Will my language and communication expand, my perspectives shift, my sense of self strengthen? I'm excited to see.

I invite you to play pretend with me. You be the pink horse and I'll be the blue one (I was always the bossy one as a kid). I can only imagine what doors will open and where I'll go next.

Venturing out as a freelance artist ain't what I thought it would be.

This was me the last couple weeks.  Very very emotional.  Part of it was the rain, part of it a really dark attitude, part of it were circumstances that I let bring me down.

I knew it was bad when I couldn't even respond to my dear mom.  All I felt was heavy heavy numb sad.

Life happens.  You have it in your mind that you can build something, that you can start your own business and be an artist.  But it is difficult.  Of course, I know it's worth it and it's all I've ever really wanted to do.  But I'll be honest, there have been a lot of things to heal.  I didn't think my ego was holding on so hard.  I didn't think that loosing a job and moving back home would sting like it did.  At first, in fact, I was excited!

So here's what I've learned so far....

If you're starting something new, expect to fail.

This is because you will have to learn new skills, and no one is perfect at anything the first time.  Sending out contracts, doing follow up calls, creating expense sheets, and all of that stuff still seems like a bit of a chaotic force that I'm just keeping contained in a dropbox file.  I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, but I still enter in the numbers and at least I know it's all there.

Here's a good list of business logistics to check out.  Some of it seems intimidating, but most of it is pretty strait forward, especially since google is on your side.  I know the pieces that I've stuck together has helped form a decent work flow and business model.  It's still evolving!

Be ok with not selling anything or not landing any jobs at first.  Keep working on the projects you love anyway.  Things take time.  And that's perfectly ok.  I've been lucky and had some contacts to work with, although I'm not making enough to live on my own yet.  But my student loans are dwindling at a faster rate than before.

Find ways to stop comparing and instead value yourself.

I might be the queen of comparing, and overworking myself into the ground to get to this imagined "ideal place".  But it's not sustainable and it's not fun.  It leads to depression and resentment.  I realize that I need to be ok with how things are right now.  I'm still working on this, but when my perspective shifts it was like a light turns back on.

I suggest you go to the gym, go for a walk, make yourself some tea and sip it with reverence.  Write poetry, watch some comedy, and hug the people you love.  Take care of yourself and get yourself back into your body.  This has all helped me immensely.  It allows me to feel taken care of so that I can continue to make work.

Make a plan for yourself that you're excited about and then...get excited!

Tony Robbins taught me this.  He asks everyone to clap and dance, and moan as if they're in ecstasy.  I laugh every time, but yes, I do this in my room when I listen to his recordings.  It's wild, but we really have access to all of the good emotions and we can choose to engage with them.  We just shut ourselves off from them, or think that the outer world contains the key.  But we are the key, damnit!  Turn it and go inside.  

It may feel weird, but after you get your plan in order, dance around and jump up and down.  Exclaim aloud, "yesssssss!!!!  I'm gonna do this!!!"

As far as a plan goes, I find my intention to create and complete is most important.  Setting aside time in my day is really helpful, but the more I'm excited about it, the more it gets done with gusto and in a timely fashion.  So plan however you please, but do it with intention.

Connect with others like you.

I like watching videos from illustrator/youtubers like Jess and Frannard.  They remind me how much I love art, illustration, and expression.  They also have lots of great messages to artists to inspire and encourage them.  This is because they're honest and share their story.  One of my favorite things.  

I also meet up with other artists and sketch together over coffee.  Or I skype a friend.  It all helps so much, and it never fails that I leave feeling inspired and amped.  Heck yessssss! *kicks and karate chops*

Share your experience.

I'd love to hear from you about your road less traveled.  And I think sharing on your blog, or in person with friends and family can be a major factor in healing.  We can truly lift each other up.  Like my parents and friends do for me every day.  Thank you Mom and Dad!

Happy New Year fancy pants people!

Happy new year wonderful people! I love taking time to let my inner child and knowing self really speak. Art is an amazing way to do this! I'm sharing a small project with you where you create your own oracle card for the year. No rules, no need to be Rembrandt.

Rather than new years resolutions, I like to realign myself. Check in. Re-adjust. We're all perfect as we are, we just tend to get a little off from our preferred center points. Sometimes way off, but that's ok. Here's a little exercise that I did to welcome my hopes for the new year. It's more right brained than a resolution and it doesn't take much time or resources. Just an intention. It gives you room to breath and discover the message throughout the year.

Check out the video above for a walk through of the project. Please post your cards and share your beautiful artwork below, or via email! I'd love to see what your soulsays, and your spirit will definitely inspire everyone elses. Believe you me!

If you want a little hand-drawn template of an oracle card, download it here

Here's what came out of me.  I used the loosest mediums I could: oil pastel, pencil, watercolor.  The goal is to NOT make it look good, but rather, make it FEEL good.

Sending you lots of warm wishes and here's to a KICK ASS year.

Annie